My office roommate, the Dutchess of Dumb

So, on the heel of posting about our annual late night and the budget newsletter, I thought I’d introduce DD.

(Btw, one of our managers tried to tell me NOT to write about DD.  Supposedly, I could get fired.  Well, if I do, and they don’t can DD, let’s just say we’re gonna have a lot of fun.)

At any rate, DD is your model employee who has never shown up to the office on time, and leave as soon as the clock strikes 5 (or 6 if that’s when they let us out of school.)  Her idea of a ’short lunch’ is 1 hr 2 mins.  I kid you not.  The reason why I actually remembered, is because one day she actually uttered the words “I’m going to take a short lunch” and started eating at her desk.  I was so shocked, I actually emailed someone.  DD then proceeded to step out after she finished eating, and she walked back in 1 hour and 2 mins after she said “short lunch.”  It was 1 hour 2 mins, because I looked at the time of my emails.  Such is my office roommate.

So, the latest episode…

We worked late on Tuesday.  Budget news and all that means we were trying to crank out a newsletter to impress our client (see the last entry).  First of all, DD can’t write to save her skinny ass even if her life depends on it.  So every year she just copies – forget “crib” – straight out of the government handouts.  That means the whole rah-rah, ‘look how much we’re spending for you’ tone that she’d copy over for her piece.  And every year, we’d chop her piece down
anyway because it is practically useless.  This year was much of the same.

I was working away after everyone wrote – it seems like I am the ‘publisher/design’ genius in the group (scary thought) and boss always asks me to put the newsletter together.  i told DD to go home at some point, but she tried to impress and say ‘oh i’ll stay’.  And she sat there and did homework.   Why she didn’t just go home if you’re doing homework anyway is beyond me.   Around 9 or so boss decides to start sending people home, because there’s no sense to stick around once we have all the writings and it’s only a matter of putting it together and proof reading.  Well, no one can find DD even though she didn’t leave.  Again, if you’re gonna stay at work and not be working anyway, why don’t u just go home is beyond me.  Even if there’s something that needs to be done, no one can find you to do it anyway.   (That’s DD)  Eventually she walked back in apparently yakking on her cell the entire time (… why didn’t she just go home to talk on the phone??).  So i motioned to her that boss sent her home.  She left sometime around …10?

I ended up staying until 12:30am, when the newsletter was finally finished and we put away everything.  Woke up the next morning at 8:30am, at which point I basically called in and say ‘Ha! I’m just not gonna be in at 9 so I’ll see you guys at 10″.   It was a snowy morning to boot.  Well guess what?  I got in at 10 and DD wasn’t even there yet!  Apparently, someone felt that because she “worked late” (I didn’t know talking on your cell phone counted as “work”, and staying because no one can find you to send you home counted as “late”)  Mind you, both she and I live in the same area.  Takes me 20 mins door-to-door when I take the subway, 15 mins to drive, 10 if it’s Sat morning.

Somehow, DD was over an hour late, which means just for going home at 10 she couldn’t get up for work in time?  Because if she did, there’s no way in hell it’d take anyone 1.5 hour to get to work.  You could have walked to work, walk back home, take a shower, and still have time to have a cup coffee in that time.   Seriously.

That’s not even the end of it.  So she strolled in late, I have no idea what she did next and then she disappeared again.  Until 11, when she finally walked back into our room holding her breakfast!!  This girl is unreal, right?  NO!!!  She then went and pick up her phone, and made a personal call!!  11am, 2 hours after work offically started, and this
girl is STILL doing fuck-all!!  Isn’t that sweet?

At that point, I basically lost it, told one of the managers quietly that I’m just gonna go hide in another room to work by myself the rest of the day, which was probably a good call – I went back into our room at noon and she was on the phone.  I went back in at 12:30 and, guess what she’s doing?  Right, the PHONE!!  Now I’m seriously thinking about ‘having a talk’ with my boss and say “no more roomie arrangement with her”.  She seriously demotivates me.

All of that was Wednesday.  Thurs she ‘quietly’ went out for a doctor’s appointment after lunch (no short lunch, of course).  So maybe she had something on Wednesday.  But seriously, even if you do – say… you’re freaking out because you think you’re knocked up – must you call ALL your friends the whole friggin morning???  She came in to work late anyway, why not just skip the whole morning???

The truly brilliant “team players” that I get to work along side with.  And I haven’t even told you the story of Baby Jesus.  Le sigh.